How To Handle a Difficult Conversation With a Team Member
Written by Monique Jordan-Cave
Leadership and Holistic Coach
Hello, magical human,
If you need to have a difficult conversation with a member of your team.
Here’s How!
When a member of your team isn’t pulling their weight and it starts to have an impact on you, the rest of the team and the business.
It’s time to dig deep
and have that conversation you’ve been putting off.
Having difficult conversations is all part and parcel of being a leader.
And as daunting and icky as it may feel.
If you follow this technique it will give you an opportunity to communicate in a way that:
👉 Will help you stay focused on what you want to talk about.
👉 Keep your emotions in check!
👉 And leave you feeling confident that you are on the same page, moving forward!
1. Acknowledge Your Responsibility
Always start the conversation by acknowledging your responsibility with what you are going to talk about.
This will defuse the other persons auto-self-defence mechanism and help put them at ease, which will actually help them hear what you are saying.
Good questions to ask yourself:
👉 What is the problem?
👉 What have I done to contribute towards the situation?
👉 Am I meeting them where they are at, or where I expect them to be?
👉 How have I tried to support them with this issue?
👉 Has this conversation happened before or is this the first time?
This will help keep your feelings in check and stop you believing that you may not have done enough.
It sets the right tone for your delivery, so you’ll be confident having the conversation in the first place.
Plus it sets a more level playing field before you get to the icky bit.
2. Define the Outcome
Never go into a difficult conversation without an outcome defined BEFORE you go into it.
This is going to be a roller coaster of a conversation.
The person you are speaking to might get upset and shut down or worse, get loud.
You might get emotional or annoyed, which makes you go off track from what you want to say.
👉 What do I want to happen/change and by what date or time?
3. Listen and Validate
Do this A LOT!
Listen to understand not listen to respond.
It’s important to let them feel heard. And we all want to feel seen.
If it’s an online meeting, mute yourself.
If its in-person, sit on your hands and bite your lip!
Only speak to acknowledge or validate.
👉 “If I felt the way you felt, I would probably do the same thing”
or,
👉 “Now that you’ve explained, I can understand where you are coming from”
Remember, people who feel heard and validated won’t feel like they have to defend themselves and they’ll find it easier to listen and take on what you are saying.
4. Restate the Outcome
Now that both sides have been heard and you are armed with all the information you both need.
Confirm exactly what is expected of them and give any deadlines if necessary.
Now another hard part.
👉 Back off.
Don’t follow up before the deadline date.
Give them autonomy over their work and responsibility for their actions and behaviour.
Also, if they don’t follow through, it’s totally on them!
And it’s then time for HR to have a conversation with them.
Let’s face it, non-positive feedback isn’t fun.
Its awkward, uncomfortable and you don’t want to come across as a meanie.
But if you can find the courage to speak to this person, you’ll be amazed at how much easier it becomes.
Remember, you are giving them this feedback because you are dedicated to their success, building a better relationship and smashing your departments goals.
How do you feel about having your difficult conversation now?
Let me know in the comments below.
Over to you!
MJx
Please feel free to share this article with a loved one, friend or colleague.
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